


Figure Me Out

by tiigi



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, Touch-Starved, bad reaction to prescription drugs, idk if there’s a tag for that lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:35:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25021009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiigi/pseuds/tiigi
Summary: Sometimes it feels like Mark has known Ethan his whole life.***Something’s up with Ethan. Mark just wants to know what.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 41
Kudos: 597





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The order of some of their videos has been tampered with here but that’s fine we don’t have to talk about it :’)
> 
> Also, only the second chapter of this will be explicitly relationshippy so feel free to read this platonically if you want :)

Sometimes it feels like Mark has known Ethan his whole life. 

Sometimes he looks at Ethan, the man in front of him, one of his closest friends, and he sees the sixteen year old kid that did a backflip for him all those years ago. He’ll look at Ethan and see someone that looks up to him, someone that, above all else, Mark just wants to mentor and protect. It’s not all the time, and when it happens he feels guilty because Ethan is twenty three now and they should be equals, but it happens enough for Mark to be conscious of it. 

Which is why, when Mark realises something is wrong, he feels sick with guilt. He should have noticed sooner. 

***

Mark has said, “Don’t touch me,” to Ethan over the course of their Unus Annus videos more times than he can count. It’s become a running joke for their viewers what with how often, and how viciously, he says it. It’s always been a bit of fun for Mark and nothing more, which is why he really should have noticed when Ethan just… stopped touching him altogether.

To be fair, it doesn’t happen all at once. Looking back on it Mark can see how he missed it: the gradual progression from friendly touches to only touching him for videos and then, eventually, not touching him at all. Ethan never mentions it, never plays it up for the joke.

He just… stops.

Mark notices it for the first time by chance. They’re over at Ethan’s place; they’ve finished filming and Mark is staying over a little longer to give Spencer and Chica more time to play. Ethan ducked into the kitchen a few minutes ago to make coffee and Mark is getting bored sitting alone on the couch, just waiting for him. 

“Jesus, you get lost in there or something?” Mark calls, scrolling aimlessly through his phone. He hears Ethan laugh faintly but he doesn’t reply, and Mark rolls his eyes. 

“I just wanted a coffee,” he says, getting to his feet and heading towards the kitchen. Ethan has a mug in each hand and he’s shaking his head fondly, like Mark’s impatience amuses him.

“Sorry, I forgot Mr Markiplier doesn’t like to wait for things,” Ethan says, grinning. Mark is right in front of him now, close enough that he reaches out to take the mug from Ethan’s hand.

Ethan steps back. 

Mark looks up, confused at the gesture, and watches in silence as Ethan places the mug down on the counter instead of handing it over to Mark. If it weren’t for the slight blush over his cheekbones and the way he can’t quite meet Mark’s eyes, he would have thought Ethan wasn’t even aware of it. 

“Do you wanna eat here or do you have to get home?” Ethan asks, leaning back against the counter. 

Maybe Mark should ask about it– should ask whether Ethan is okay or if something is wrong. But then… what would he even say? If Ethan queried it, how would Mark explain his question? It’s not exactly suspicious. Just… weird.

“Mark?” Ethan prompts, waving a hand back and forth in front of his face with a smile. It’s so simple but so  _ Ethan,  _ and it puts Mark’s mind at ease instantly. 

“Oh, I should probably go home. I don’t trust you not to poison me.” Mark blinks, reaches for the mug and pushes Ethan’s odd behaviour to the back of his mind. That’s where it stays, until the next time.

***

To be fair, the changes, for the most part, are imperceptible. Mark only spots them because he’s known Ethan for so long, and he knows it won’t be too apparent in their videos. 

It’s things like this: things like in the pepper spray video when Mark lays a hand on Ethan’s back and Ethan tenses; things like when they’re filming the ghost hunting video and Ethan startles at a noise behind them, he reaches out and grips Mark’s arm like it’s instinct, and then snatches it back as though the touch burnt him. 

Amy mentions it once, when Mark is editing one of their latest videos. She stands over his shoulder, watching him work, and says, “Does he seem different to you?”

She says it so softly that at first Mark thinks he’s misheard.

“Who? Ethan?” He asks, anxiety swirling in the pit of his stomach. 

“Yeah,” she replies. “I don’t know. He just seems… quieter.”

Mark looks back to the screen, watches Ethan laugh and mess around and run with Mark’s jokes. Is he different? Has Mark been imagining it the whole time? If Amy noticed it too, something must be going on.

But Ethan hasn’t said anything, and he’d be embarrassed if Mark brought it up.

So Mark shrugs and says, “I don’t know,” and pushes it to the back of his mind. “I’m sure he’s fine.”

***

Ethan has been acting  _ off  _ all day. They got together earlier to film the ‘Beating Inanimate Objects to Death’ video and it had been great– a perfect, therapeutic way to work out some stress and tension whilst creating content for the channel. Ethan had seemed hyped when Mark had suggested it, and with the cameras on he’d been fine to play up to the jokes. Now though, now it’s over, he just seems… agitated.

Ethan doesn’t get agitated easily, Mark thinks. He’s a people person, and he thrives on social interaction. He wants everybody to like him, and usually they do, which is why it’s so strange to see him stiff and silent now, acting like he just wants to get the fuck out of there.

Amy and Evan must sense that something is wrong, because they both stay quiet as they unload the equipment. Mark is trying to figure out what to say when Ethan speaks.

“Did you have fun?” He’s sat in the driver’s seat. The engine is still running and he’s idling on the curb in front of Mark’s house. Clearly, he’s not planning on coming inside.

“Yeah,” Mark says. “Yeah, who knew it felt so good to smash stuff up? And I think it’ll be a good video as well.”

“Right,” Ethan looks down at his lap, hands still wrapped around the steering wheel. He’s gripping it so hard that his knuckles are turning white. “Yeah. I’m, uh, glad you enjoyed it.”

“Did you?” Mark asks cautiously. Ethan being quiet and subdued when he speaks is so out of the ordinary that Mark doesn’t know how to respond to it. This isn’t just Ethan’s general anxiety, like how he was when he moved to L.A. This is something else, and it scares Mark because he’s never seen it before. At least, not like this.

“Yeah, sure.” Ethan shrugs his shoulders and avoids Mark’s gaze.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause it kind of looks like you’re about to cry.” It’s a poor attempt at a joke, and realistically Mark knows he shouldn’t have said it. Something is  _ wrong,  _ and the last thing Ethan needs is for Mark to laugh at him. He doesn’t want Ethan to think that he can’t go to Mark if something is bothering him, can’t ask for help or tell him about it, but Mark has never been good with emotional heart-to-hearts.

A muscle in Ethan’s jaw tics and he gives Mark a brief, forced smile, but he doesn’t reply. Mark frowns.

“Dude, are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting weird. Are you taking your... y’know?” Mark reaches across the gear stick to lay a hand on Ethan’s shoulder. It’s supposed to be comforting, supposed to be a reassuring gesture. Instead, Ethan freezes in place. His shoulders jerk up and his eyes screw shut as he turns his face away. He looks almost pained.

“Ethan?” Mark prompts, confused. He draws his hand back to his chest, because it’s the only thing he can think of that might make Ethan feel more comfortable. He just doesn’t understand  _ why.  _

“I’m–” Ethan’s voice cracks. He clears his throat, breathes in shakily and lets his shoulders drop. When he speaks again, his voice is much steadier. “I’m fine. Thanks. But I have to go now.”

“Ethan–” Mark tries. He doesn’t want to let Ethan leave like this.

_ “Please.”  _ Mark stills. Ethan sounds so desperate, so upset, that Mark can only sit back and watch as his chest heaves. After a moment of stunned silence, he says, “Please, Mark. I just want to go home right now.”

Mark gets out of the car. What else can he do? He doesn’t tell Amy or Evan about what happened, and the next time he sees Ethan, neither of them bring it up.

***

They’re supposed to be filming a video when everything comes to a head. 

Mark waits for Ethan to arrive for an hour before he takes action. He’s texted Ethan a few times already with no response and now he’s starting to get worried. He can be clumsy and forgetful but he’s  _ reliable,  _ and most importantly he’s almost always on his phone. He hasn’t showed up on time and he’s not answering Mark’s messages. Something is wrong.

Mark goes alone to Ethan’s house. The lights are all off when he gets there and Ethan’s car is in the driveway but he’s still worried, still dreading finding something terrible inside. He has a spare key, and his fingers fumble when he unlocks the door.

“Ethan?” Mark calls out, closing the door behind him. Spencer rushes into the hallway to greet him, jumping at Mark’s legs and barking excitedly. Mark pets him, distracted, and heads for the stairs. The lights are all off downstairs and Spencer is fine. Is it possible that Mark is just overreacting?

Ethan’s bedroom is dark when Mark cracks the door open, but he can clearly see the outline of Ethan’s body under the covers. Mark’s shoulders sag with relief and he exhales slowly so as not to freak out. Of course Ethan is okay. He’s a grown man and he can take care of himself and Mark can’t just go into panic mode every time one of his friends doesn’t text him back.

But just as quickly as his panic evaporated, it’s replaced by frustration. How could Ethan sleep through a recording? They spoke about this plan  _ yesterday.  _ Ethan never misses recordings unless he has a really good reason. What the fuck is up with him lately?

Without thinking, Mark reaches out and shakes Ethan’s shoulder. He’s not as gentle as he probably should be, and Ethan jerks awake with a startled yelp. When he sees Mark sitting beside him on the bed, he doesn’t relax like Mark expected him to.

“Dude, what the fuck?” He says accusingly, shuffling backwards even though they’re not touching anymore. “What are you doing here?”

“What are  _ you  _ doing here?” Mark snaps back. He hadn’t expected to be greeted with hostility and he can’t help but respond in kind. He hates confrontations but this– something is wrong and Ethan won’t  _ talk _ to him. “We’re supposed to be recording right now. I texted you, like, ten times.”

Ethan frowns slightly and reaches for his phone on the nightstand. He sighs when he sees the time and the notifications he has waiting for him, and turns to Mark with a slightly less pissed off expression.

“Shit,” He says. “I’m sorry. I must have turned my alarm off. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“You can’t just  _ do  _ this, Ethan!”

“Do what?” His eyebrows furrow and he draws his knees up to his chest defensively.

“Not show up and then not answer my calls. I was worried.”

“I’m sorry. It was an accident– I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to be honest with me!” Mark is slowly spiralling, bringing up issues that Ethan clearly doesn’t want to talk about. He doesn’t know what to do, though. How can he just go back to pretending everything is okay when he knows Ethan has been having a hard time? He’s not the most emotional or affectionate person out there, but Ethan is his friend and he wants to help if he can.

“What do you mean? What, you think I’m lying to you?” Ethan scoffs and turns away, getting out of bed. Mark follows after him, determined to have this conversation even if it’s tough.

“No, but I think you’re hiding something. What’s up with you lately, man? You’re not sleeping well, you’re missing recordings. You say you’re fine but you’re clearly not. I just wanna  _ help _ you, Ethan.”

Without thinking, Mark grabs Ethan’s arm. Ethan is trying to walk away from him, away from this, and Mark just wants him to answer. He shouldn’t have done it, and he definitely shouldn’t have been as harsh as he was, but he’s not thinking. He just reaches out and yanks Ethan back.

Ethan spins round, angrier than Mark has ever seen him, and shoves Mark backwards.  _ “Don’t touch me,”  _ he says, so viciously that Mark freezes. He’s said that to Ethan so many times that he’s lost count, but Ethan has never said that to him.

All of a sudden, Ethan claps a hand over his mouth and turns away. Mark sees the tears in his eyes before he can hide them and Ethan’s shoulders curl inwards as though he’s trying to protect himself. Mark stands still, stunned and speechless, for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry,” Ethan says, so quiet that Mark almost doesn’t hear him. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be such an asshole. You’re right.”

“Ethan…” Mark trails off into silence.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Mark. I’ve been on these new meds and I think they’re fucking with my head. It’s been ages since I’ve seen my family and I can’t even– fuck, I can’t even remember the last time I had a fucking hug. How stupid is that? And I can’t sleep and sometimes I feel so fucking angry that I wanna break things but then I’m just exhausted. I’ve been trying to be better lately but I don’t think I  _ can  _ be.”

Mark feels too warm. His skin is tingling and he wonders, distractedly, if his cheeks are flushed. The air in Ethan’s bedroom is too stuffy. 

How did he not notice this? Even worse– why didn’t he predict it? He didn’t know that Ethan had changed his prescription but everything else? Mark moved Ethan out here, away from his family and everything he knew. Pretty much everybody Ethan knows now, he knows because of Mark, and he’s never imagined how that might make Ethan feel. 

Ethan is a friendly person by nature, but every time he tried to get close to Mark, Mark would shut him down. Of course he stiffens whenever Mark touches him. He’s spent the last few years being told he shouldn’t. 

There are a lot of things Mark wants to say, but before any of that he has to ask, “What do you mean? ‘Be better’ how?”

Ethan shrugs. There’s a tremor in his voice that he tries to hide. “You know. Just… funnier. Less annoying.”

“Ethan, you’re not annoying.”

Ethan shakes his head and his arms drop to his sides. “Don’t–”

“No, Ethan, you’re not. I’m– god, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were. You’re the funniest person I know. You don’t need to– to try to be funnier or less annoying or whatever. You’re my best friend, man.”

Ethan doesn’t reply. His bottom lip trembles. 

“Ethan…” Mark swallows. “I’m gonna hug you now. Okay?”

Ethan’s eyes are wide and watery. He doesn’t say anything but he falls into Mark’s arms when he steps forward and buries his face against Mark’s neck. He wraps his arms around him and clings to Mark in a way that he’s never done before.

“You’re okay,” Mark says softly, one hand stroking down the curve of Ethan’s spine. He doesn’t know how to do this, how to be comforting, but Ethan needs him right now and that’s all the encouragement Mark needs. “We’re gonna sort this out together, okay? We can go see a doctor, get your meds sorted out. We can take a break from videos for a while if that’s what you want. You’re gonna be alright.”

Ethan shudders in Mark’s arms. He feels so small like that, so delicate, and Mark can’t help but feel the need to protect him. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Ethan says, words muffled against Mark’s neck.

“I’m sorry I told you not to touch me,” Mark replies. “I never meant it. Not seriously. Only ever as a joke.”

“I know.” Ethan nods. “You’re my best friend, you know? I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“I think you’d be doing exactly what you’re doing now,” Mark tells him. “Because you’re passionate, and you love it, and you’re good at it. That’s why I reached out to you. You know that, don’t you? Because I watched your videos and you made me laugh. You make millions of people laugh every day. You’re not annoying, Ethan. You’re my best friend too.”

“Mark,” Ethan pulls back, just far enough to look him in the eye. He still feels tense with Mark’s arms around him and Mark doesn’t want to stop hugging him until physical contact like this comes as naturally to Ethan as it did at the start. “I–”

Spencer barks out of nowhere, scrambling into the room. His claws scratch against the wooden floor and Ethan laughs despite the tear tracks on his face. 

“Hey there,” he says, stepping away from Mark and crouching down. “Did I scare you? Sorry ‘bout that.” Spencer only wags his tail in response and Mark looks on fondly. 

His heart still feels heavy. He can’t believe he didn’t notice Ethan’s odd behaviour earlier - they could have dealt with things before they got this bad - but he can’t go back in time. He knows now, and he’s going to do everything he can to help.

He just hopes it’s enough. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any glaring errors - this ended up being way longer than I intended and I don’t have the energy to proof read right now :’)
> 
> Also, I’ve never taken antidepressants, so the portrayal of these side effects is based off information I’ve found on the NHS website. Sorry for any potential inaccurate representation!
> 
> Hope you enjoy! <3

Ethan changes his prescription, but things don’t get better all at once. He’s still dealing with a lot of repressed emotions and they don’t just go away with some new pills and a healthy attitude.

Mark tries to help as much as he can by driving to and from Ethan’s house every day. He feels responsible, in a lot of ways, for things getting so bad, and maybe this is just a way for him to work off the debt he feels that he owes. If he can make sure that Ethan has taken his meds, that he’s eaten and had enough sleep, maybe he can make this better.

By the end of the first week of Ethan’s new prescription, it becomes obvious that this solution isn’t working so well. Ethan’s side effects are changing but they don’t seem to be improving - he doesn’t get angry as often as before, but he gets quiet and emotional when anything out of the ordinary happens. Besides, even though nothing ranks above Ethan in Mark’s priorities, he still has separate responsibilities that he has to take care of. He has to film and edit and take care of Chica, and he can’t do that if he’s spending almost all of his time at Ethan’s house.

So, after the seventh day of relentlessly travelling back and forth, Mark suggests moving in.

“It would only be for a while,” he assures Ethan, who is yet to be convinced. “Just until you’re…”

“Stable?” Ethan says, monotone. It scares Mark, these days, when he speaks like that. He’s usually so happy and upbeat - to hear him so lifeless is wrong in so many ways. 

“Your words, not mine.” Ethan snorts at the joke. He’s curled up on his bed, with his head at the end and his feet on his pillow. The curtains are drawn and the light is off. Mark rests a hand on Ethan’s ankle, rubbing his thumb in slow circles. He doesn’t want to push the whole physical contact thing onto Ethan before he’s dealt with the other issues.

“Ethan, listen,” Mark continues. He knows he can help Ethan more if he just agrees to this. “You can bring your stuff, you can bring Spencer. You’ll have your own room. The only difference is, I’ll be remembering all the important shit that you sometimes… forget.”

“Ignore,” Ethan corrects him. Mark doesn’t comment.

“You can eat with me, we can go to sleep at the same time. It’ll be good for you to have a routine, I think.”

Ethan is silent for a long moment. Mark feels stifled even now, in the dark with all the windows closed, and he’s only been here ten minutes. He doesn’t know how Ethan can cope like this twenty-four seven. It certainly can’t be helping his mental health, that’s for sure. 

“Would you seriously make a _bedtime_ for me?” Ethan raises an eyebrow, incredulous, and Mark cracks a smile. It’s times like these that he can see past everything else to the real Ethan. He treasures these moments now more than ever.

“I’ve gotta make videos, though,” Ethan speaks again, quieter now. “I’ve gotta… record. Stream, stuff like that.”

Mark pauses. He picks his next words very carefully, not wanting to risk upsetting Ethan. “I thought you said you were gonna take a break from that for a while?”

Ethan shrugs. “Did I? I don’t know. What else would I do all day?”

“Do you not remember that conversation, bud? We agreed it might be better if you focus on yourself for a bit.”

“But I like making videos,” Ethan says, and it sounds almost as if he’s whining. This is something Mark has noticed as well. Ethan hasn’t seen his parents in a while and his life has been all over the place these past few years, so maybe he’s just missing the simplicity of a schedule.

“Yeah, I know,” Mark says, scooting further up the bed to stroke his fingers lightly down Ethan’s arm. Ethan inhales sharply and his shoulder twitches, like he’s thinking of pulling away, but after a moment he relaxes. “If you really want to, you can use my recording studio. Does that sound okay?”

Ethan hums and closes his eyes, burrowing further into his pillow. “Yeah, I guess so.” He shrugs again. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll move in. But… later. I’m really tired. Can you come back later?”

Mark relaxes. The knot in his chest loosens and he’s already thinking about all the things he’ll need to take care of for Ethan’s arrival. “Yeah, sure thing,” he says.

“Mmk, thanks.” Ethan brings his knees up to his chest. “Mark? Can you turn the lights off before you go? It’s too bright.”

Mark looks up at the bulb hanging from the ceiling, dark and most definitely off. He sighs. “Yeah, okay Eth,” he says, squeezing Ethan’s arm. He closes the door on his way out.

***

Moving in does not go as smoothly as Mark thought it would. 

Ethan has good days and bad days, of course, but he’s still a little forgetful and reluctant to do basic things like eat or sleep. When he’s on his own, Mark struggles to do these things himself. He calls for takeout more often than not and his sleep schedule is fucked with how much time he spends recording and editing videos. 

Now that Ethan is living with him though, he decides to put more effort into these things. For the first time in months, Friday night finds him in the kitchen attempting to cook something rather than hunched over his computer, rewatching the same thirty second clip over and over again as he picks at cold noodles. 

Ethan wanders in as Mark is sliding a half assed attempt at a homemade pizza into the oven. He takes one look at the mess covering the counter and raises his eyebrows.

“You know, when you said we were gonna have a routine, I didn’t imagine this.”

Mark wipes his hands on his trousers and huffs out a sigh. He’s spent the last half hour kneading dough and chopping vegetables. Stressed would be an understatement.

“I’m…”

“Don’t say ‘enjoying it’. We both know that’s a lie,” Ethan says tiredly, grinning despite himself. 

“It’s never too late to learn a new skill,” Mark shrugs.

“I thought we already covered pizza in Markiplier Makes?” 

“Yeah, and mine was the best.” Mark smirks.

Ethan shakes his head fondly and takes a seat at the table. He’s wearing a hoodie with the hood covering his head and the sleeves pulled halfway down his hands. He picks idly at a hangnail as he avoids Mark’s eyes.

“I’m not really that hungry,” he says, sounding guilty. “Just so you know. Sorry– I didn’t realise you were… cooking.”

Mark pauses, picking his words carefully before he speaks. “Have you eaten today?” He asks eventually, leaning up against the work surface behind him. 

Ethan shrugs, not looking up. Mark sighs. 

“Sorry,” he says again, voice soft. “It’s the new meds. My doctor said the side effects should only last a few weeks and to go see her again if they last any longer than that. I’m really not hungry.”

“You’ve got to eat, Ethan,” Mark says gently. He doesn’t want to push Ethan into a mood swing but he has to make sure Ethan is taking care of himself. That’s the whole point of him being here.

“I’m fine,” Ethan says. He’s turning off, shutting down. It’s scary when that happens, because Mark never knows how to draw him out of the shell he’s fallen into, but if he just stops putting pressure on Ethan then he’d fall right back into dangerous habits. Mark doesn’t know how to keep a good balance of the two.

“Did you sleep last night?” Mark asks. “I heard you walking back and forth for ages. Can you not sleep? Are you sure these side effects are normal? If you need, I can go with you to–”

“Mark!” Ethan stands up suddenly, hands clenching and unclenching. He’s nervous and volatile and Mark just wants to protect him. “I’m _fine._ Yes, this is normal. No, I don’t want to go back.”

“Ethan, I’m just–”

“Jesus, I’ll fucking eat, alright? I’m _sorry.”_

Ethan sits down and Mark takes a seat opposite him in silence. They wait like that until the timer goes off on Mark’s phone. Ethan picks at his food until Mark has finished and then excuses himself.

On the whole, Ethan is doing better. Sometimes he just… has bad days.

***

Mark wakes up to find Ethan in his room. He just about has a heart attack at the shadowy figure skulking about at the bottom of his bed, but Ethan steps up quickly to reassure him. And laugh at him, but Mark chooses to ignore that bit. 

“What are you doing?” Mark asks, sitting up and trying to calm his racing heart. Ethan snickers and crawls into the bed. Mark watches, utterly confused, as he pulls the blankets over them.

“Mark,” he whispers. “I had a great idea for a video.”

“And it couldn’t wait until morning?” Mark smiles despite the weird situation and lays his head back down on the pillow. Ethan’s eyes are wide, his face so close to Mark’s that each breath fans across Mark’s face. 

“Nuh uh,” he replies. “What do you think of literal fire eating?”

“Jesus,” Mark huffs out a laugh. “Sounds risky.”

“Right?” Ethan’s excitement is infectious. “It’s perfect. It’s what Unus Annus is all about.” Mark is silent for a moment, watching Ethan. It’s rare to see him so happy and enthusiastic these days, what with his moods so unbalanced. If this is what it takes to get Ethan excited again, Mark doesn’t want to miss it.

“Well?” Ethan prompts.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” Mark rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “We’ll do it - when we start making videos again.”

There’s another silent pause. Mark watches Ethan’s smile fade, and he presses his face closer into the pillow beneath him. “Mark?” He says quietly.

“Hmm?”

“I can’t sleep.”

Mark’s heart aches. It _hurts,_ psychically hurts like a knife through his chest, to see Ethan like this. He knows that when Ethan’s body gets more used to the medication, he’ll become more like his old self, but right now it’s like watching a ghost, like watching him flicker in and out of focus. 

“You wanna sleep here tonight?” Mark asks before he can properly think about it. 

They’ve never shared a bed before. They’ve shared a tour bus and they’ve fallen asleep on the couch together before, but sharing a bed feels like a further level of intimacy, and Mark isn’t sure he’s ready for it.

Or maybe he’s just scared to admit he is.

“Yeah,” Ethan whispers. “Okay. Thanks.”

***

Mark asks him about it once. 

They’re together in the living room, and it’s just gone seven in the morning. When Mark woke up half an hour ago, Ethan was already awake. Mark isn’t sure he ever went to sleep. 

Ethan has Mark’s guitar balanced over his knee and he’s playing a song that Mark doesn’t recognise. It’s calming background noise, and it’s easy to settle into a familiar, comfortable atmosphere with Ethan sitting next to him.

Maybe that’s why Mark feels comfortable enough to ask. He’s been wondering for a while, and while he’s afraid of taking Ethan by surprise and forcing him to think about things he wants to forget, something’s different now. Between them.

“What’s it like?”

Ethan looks up, eyebrows furrowed. “What’s what like?” He asks. Mark watches him change chords without looking and feels almost overwhelmed with affection. The other day, Mark saw Ethan wearing one of his t-shirts and he couldn’t stop smiling for hours.

“When you zone out. I don’t know… when you have a mood swing or if you get angry. Do you realise what’s happening at the time?” He worries that his questions might be too invasive, but Ethan just swallows and shrugs.

“I don’t know, really,” he says. “It’s weird. Sometimes there’s a part of me that’s like… ‘you’re gonna be fine, everything’s gonna be fine, just relax’. Y’know?”

“Does that ever work?”

Ethan snorts. “No,” he says. “I know that it’ll get better in a few weeks and all, but it doesn’t feel like a relief or anything. I don’t feel _better._ Most of the time I don’t feel anything at all.”

***

Ethan kisses him two days later. 

He’s made a habit of sleeping in Mark’s bed. He’s not really sleeping, because Mark knows Ethan only gets a couple hours each night, but he seems to prefer Mark’s room to the guest room, and the whole point of this exercise is to make Ethan feel more comfortable. Besides, Mark kind of likes having someone else to sleep next to. It’s reassuring to fall asleep next to Ethan, to know that he’s warm and safe and close by. 

The lines, Mark has noticed, are beginning to blur.

Ethan has just finished recording a reddit video in Mark’s studio. It took him almost two and a half hours - Mark assumes because his mind kept wandering and he took breaks to make cups of coffee that he never drank - so when he finally emerges, he’s exhausted.

Mark is already in bed. He hasn’t been waiting for Ethan, necessarily. He just happened to stay up reading until Ethan was finished, which is a total coincidence and no one can say otherwise.

“Hey,” Mark says, setting his book to one side. Ethan grunts in acknowledgement and crawls into bed beside him, not even bothering to change into pyjamas. 

“Hi,” Ethan says in a small, sad voice. If this is how he’s feeling just seconds after turning the camera off, how did he hold it together for a whole video?

“You alright?” Mark stretches his arm out across Ethan’s pillow - Ethan has his own pillow on Mark’s bed, and that should have been the first warning sign - and Ethan lays his head on it, facing Mark. 

“Tired,” Ethan mumbles, eyes closed and eyebrows drawn together. Mark wants to smooth his frown away.

“So sleep.”

“Can’t.” He pushes his face harder against Mark’s arm. “Mark? Am I a good person?”

Mark blinks, taken aback. He’d been expecting deep, meaningful conversations on the regular when Ethan first moved in, but after the first week of small talk and as much light banter as Ethan could manage, that expectation changed. 

“What? Ethan, of course you’re a good person. You think I’d let a bad person into my bed?” Again, it’s poor timing for a joke but at least it gets an eye roll from Ethan. 

“I don’t think I’m a good person,” Ethan says, sounding so sad and so sincere that Mark’s heart aches.

“Well I think you’re an idiot,” he snaps, determined to rebuke this as soon as possible. After a moment’s thought, he says, “A good idiot. You’re a good idiot person, Ethan.”

“Oh my god, _you’re_ the idiot.” Ethan is giggling now, and it might just be the most beautiful sound Mark has ever heard what with how happy it makes him. Ethan is looking up at him now, neck tilted back, eyes wide and flickering down to Mark’s lips.

Before he even really understands what’s going on, Ethan is pushing forward and pressing his mouth gently against Mark’s. 

It doesn’t last long. It’s barely a kiss, and it’s not like Mark gets tongue involved, but he certainly doesn’t pull away either. When Ethan pulls back, his eyes are damp.

“Sorry,” he says, and then wriggles closer under the covers. Mark waits, speechless, holding his breath, as Ethan presses his forehead against Mark’s chest. 

They stay like that all night. He thinks Ethan sleeps, but he can’t be sure. 

***

The thing is, Mark doesn’t know what Ethan wants when it comes to touching. 

He knows that Ethan hasn’t really been affectionate with anyone in an incredibly long time - possibly years. He knows that’s partially his fault, because every time Ethan tried to reach out Mark would shut him down. He knows that Ethan tenses at even the lightest of touches, because he’s so unused to the tenderness.

He’s been trying to change that. He really has.

It starts simple. It starts with Mark’s hand brushing the small of Ethan’s back as he walks past him in the corridor. It starts with Mark’s arm around Ethan’s shoulders if they’re watching a film together. It starts with Mark’s fingers running through Ethan’s hair as they sleep next to one another at night. These gestures are simple and intimate and, looking back, romantic. Mark doesn’t know whether he meant to send that message, subconsciously or otherwise, but he supposed that’s not what matters in the end.

He figured that this was how it should start. He never knew how it should end, but now it seems that it ends with a kiss.

It’s just that… 

If this is the end, then where do they go from here?

*** 

Nowhere, it turns out. Ethan doesn’t mention it the next day, and Mark feels awkward bringing it up so he doesn’t. Ethan’s video gets uploaded - Mark watches it and it’s funny like they always are. It’s _scary,_ in a way, because Ethan is acting so much like his old self that Mark isn’t even sure he’d be able to notice anything different. When he’s recording, Ethan is like a different person, as though he doesn’t spend every night curled up in Mark’s bed now.

Mark can’t say anything about it though. Even just bringing this subject up is risky, because Ethan could take it as a criticism, could think Mark doesn’t want him there.

And Mark _knows_ that would be devastating, because they are making progress. _Ethan_ is making progress. He’s taking naps now, and snacking even though he doesn’t eat proper meals. The other day Mark cupped Ethan’s face to wipe away some shaving cream he must have missed and Ethan didn’t flinch or cringe away from the touch. He’s getting more and more balanced with every day that passes, so to leave now would feel like they were throwing away all of that progress.

But he can’t stop thinking about the kiss. Ethan’s lips had been so soft against his, so tentative and cautious. Mark had wanted to do so many things in that moment but he’d been scared to do anything. Does Ethan think that Mark didn’t like it? Is that why he won’t talk about it? Of course, asking about that would require Mark to admit he actually _did_ like it, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready for that yet.

What the fuck are they doing? Tiptoeing around each other like Mark is a teenager with a crush? It’s embarrassing. He’s never usually nervous about things: awkward and reluctant to talk about his feelings, sure, but nervous? That’s not Mark.

Ethan just brings it out in him, maybe. 

***

Ethan kisses him for the second time when they’re watching a movie on the sofa.

They started out on opposite sides of the couch and as time passed, Ethan shuffled closer and closer to Mark. This is what he does, Mark has come to realise, whenever he wants to be touched. He’s too scared to ask for it, too embarrassed to admit he needs it, but whenever he wants Mark to hug him or hold him close, he’ll just draw nearer until he’s practically in Mark’s lap.

“You alright?” Mark asks, because this time feels different. Ethan isn’t relaxed with Mark’s arm slung over his shoulders. He’s stiff and tense, back ramrod straight, knees pressed together. 

“Huh?” Ethan blinks. He’d been staring at the TV but the glaze over his eyes makes it clear he wasn’t paying attention. 

“Hey, are you okay? Do you wanna watch something else?”

“No, no. Sorry. I just… zoned out.” Ethan laughs a little for good measure, but it doesn’t do much to calm Mark’s nerves. He’s watching him now, Mark can feel it, can feel Ethan’s eyes on him like it’s burning. His heart is pounding. He wishes he could read the boy’s mind. 

“What’s up?” Mark asks softly, tilting his head down to meet Ethan’s gaze. 

Ethan parts his lips and Mark watches as his tongue darts out to wet them. He’s beautiful, he really is, and Mark doesn’t know why he never noticed it before. 

“Nothing,” Ethan murmurs, and then kisses him. 

This time it’s different. This time Mark is ready and when Ethan kisses him, he kisses back. Mark’s hands fly up as though on instinct, one to cup Ethan’s face and the other his waist. Ethan gasps, startled, and pulls back just a little.

“Is this okay?” Mark asks. Little touches here and there seem to be fine, but this a whole new level of physical contact. It’s probably overwhelming for him.

But Ethan just nods and whines and Mark kisses him again, desperate. They slowly tip to the side so that Ethan is on his back and Mark is hovering over him, hands on either side of Ethan’s head holding him up. Mark is hard and maybe he should be embarrassed about that but he’s not.

“Fuck, Mark,” Ethan whispers, eyes heavy lidded. He shifts a little underneath him and suddenly presses a hand against Mark’s erection through his trousers, rubbing the outline of his cock. Mark groans into Ethan’s mouth. 

It should be awkward, but it isn’t. They’ve been friends for so long and they’ve even seen each other naked before but this is a different thing entirely, and Mark wants so much more of it. Ethan is addictive.

“God, you’re so pretty,” Mark says. He rests his elbows against the sofa so that he can get a better angle and then grinds his thigh down between Ethan’s legs. He’s expecting Ethan to buck up, to try and get more pressure against his dick, but instead he hisses through his teeth and shifts his hips away. Mark pulls back. Ethan isn’t hard at all.

“Ethan?” Mark frowns. “Aren’t you– don’t you want this?”

“I _do,”_ Ethan insists. “Don’t– don’t stop. C’mon, Mark, please.” He surges up to kiss Mark again and, for a few moments, Mark loses himself to the taste of Ethan’s tongue. When he tries again a few minutes later and nothing has changed, however, he can’t ignore it anymore.

“Are you not into this?” He asks, trying to keep his tone even and not accusatory. He sits back on his heels and watches as Ethan struggles upright.

“No, I _am,”_ Ethan repeats. “It’s the fucking meds, Mark. I can’t… I’ve been _trying,_ but I _can’t,_ y’know?” He’s blushing when he says it, but that could just be from when they were making out. 

Mark swallows. His throat is tight and he feels like such a fucking idiot. “So, was this– um, were you just testing to see if you could? Because– that’s fine, if you were.” The words feel like broken glass in his mouth.

“No,” Ethan scowls. “That’s not it.”

He doesn’t elaborate. When Mark doesn’t reply, Ethan swings his legs over the side of the sofa and walks away. Mark doesn’t go after him. 

***

They don’t talk about that either.

***

Mark comes back one day to find Ethan sprawled out over the living room floor.

He’s just been to see Tyler and Amy - they know roughly what’s going on with Ethan, but Mark hasn’t told them the whole truth. He certainly hasn’t told them that he and Ethan almost had sex. In fact, he just finished telling them all about how Ethan was getting better every day.

It’s not even a lie, which is why it’s so jarring to see Ethan motionless on the floor. Mark pauses, looks around like maybe there’s hidden camera crew ready to jump out him, and then heads towards him. 

“Uh, Ethan?” Mark starts. “You okay? What– um, what are you doing down there, bud?”

Ethan cracks an eye open. “I suck,” he says, in a plaintive voice.

“What?”

“I _suck,_ Mark!” He sits up suddenly. His eyes are bloodshot. “I’m not _funny_ anymore. I was watching my latest videos back and they’re just so… boring.”

“What?” Mark repeats, feeling useless. “No they’re not. I watched them. They’re not bad at all, Ethan.”

“Have I always been this much of a fuck up?” Ethan isn’t even listening to Mark’s answers. 

Mark sighs and crosses the room, coming to sit down on the floor next to Ethan. “You’re not a fuck up. You’re going through something rough. Give it a few weeks and you’ll feel better. Okay?”

“What if I don’t?”

Mark has thought about this before. When they had visited Ethan’s doctor, she had told them that the side effects would only last a few weeks before he would start to feel better, but it’s nearing a month now and they haven’t shown any sign of disappearing. 

“Then we go see your doctor again,” Mark says, making it up as he goes along. “And we sort something out.”

“Whatever,” Ethan mutters. Mark knows Ethan isn’t really mad at him, but it still feels like it, and he shifts uncomfortably.

“Ethan?” He starts, picking his words carefully. “How would you feel about going home to stay with your parents for a bit?”

Ethan sits up so suddenly that he almost smacks his forehead into Mark’s face. “What?” He says, face pale and eyebrows drawn together into a frown.

“I just think it might be good for you to see them again. You said you missed them, didn’t you?” Mark remembers Ethan saying it had been ages since he last saw his family, and whilst he’s overheard some of Ethan’s phone calls home, they still haven’t made any plans to meet up. Moving out to LA at such a young age must have been a painful decision, especially when it meant leaving his family behind. These days, Mark feels guilty whenever he thinks about it and the role he played in Ethan leaving.

“You’re trying to get rid of me.” Mark had been worried Ethan would get angry, but him getting sad is somehow worse. He wraps his arms around his legs and rests his chin on his knees. “You don’t want me here anymore.”

“That’s not it at all! Jesus, Ethan, I’m trying to help you.”

“I don’t _want_ your fucking help, Mark! I never asked for it! You just decided that you know best so you should get to decide what I do.” Ethan pushes himself up and takes a few staggering steps backwards. Mark stands as well, hating the imbalance. 

“Ethan, that’s not true. I _asked_ if you wanted to come here. I _kept_ asking, all the time. Everything I’ve done here has been to make you feel better!”

“Well I don’t!” Mark has never heard Ethan shout before. Not seriously– not like this. “I don’t feel better. What if I never do? Are you just gonna keep hanging around, feeling guilty that you couldn’t _fix_ me?”

He’s crying, tears welling in his eyes and spilling over his cheeks. Mark stands, frozen and overwhelmed with deja vu, as he rubs those tears away angrily. 

“I’m not trying to fix you, Ethan,” Mark says quietly.

“Aren’t you?”

Mark doesn’t know anymore. Is this how Ethan has been feeling this whole time? Like Mark is just trying to get the old Ethan back? Mark invited him here to help him, but if he couldn’t even do that then what kind of friend is he?

“It just…” Ethan sighs. “It feels like everyone wants me to be a certain way, and I’m just… not that anymore. I’m disappointing everybody and the worst thing is I know what I’m doing wrong. I just can’t control it. I can’t be like I was. Not now, at least. I’m sorry.”

Mark is silent for too long. He knows he needs to respond, he needs to tell Ethan that it’s okay, that he understands, that he cares about him so much, but he can’t bring the words to the surface. Above all else, he wants to hug Ethan, but that would seem like he was just burying the problem with affection.

“Mark?” Ethan says tentatively. He’s frowning again, meek and apologetic. It’s a complete one-eighty to how he was a few seconds ago. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. God, I’m fucking everything up so badly.”

Mark has to step in now. “No– no, you’re not. You’re not. I’m sorry. We’re both trying here, okay? I think we just got our wires crossed. We can work on this together as well.”

Without prompting, Ethan shuffles forward and rests his forehead against Mark’s chest. He’s not hugging him, but they’re at least touching, so Mark thinks it’s okay to wrap his arms around Ethan.

“I just hate feeling like this,” Ethan whispers.

“I’ve got you,” Mark says, and holds him tighter.

***

A couple of days pass. Mark mostly stays in the house, recording videos. He and Ethan will play Mario Kart occasionally or they’ll find a film that neither of them have watched, and on the whole, things go back to normal.

Mark wakes one morning to the smell of pancakes.

Ethan isn’t in the bed next to him, and unless some very compassionate burglar decided to make him breakfast, it’ll be him that’s in the kitchen. Something like pride blossoms in Mark’s chest.

“Morning,” Mark says, not wanting to sneak up on Ethan where he’s standing at the hob. He’s holding the handle of a frying pan in one hand and a spatula in the other.

“Oh!” He replies, turning with a smile. “Hi. Sorry if I woke you. You hungry?”

“For pancakes? Always.” Without thinking, Mark wraps an arm around Ethan’s waist and rests his chin on his shoulder. Ethan doesn’t flinch.

“I was just craving them when I woke up this morning. We _really_ need to go shopping, by the way. I used, like, half your kitchen to get the batter right.”

Mark glances around at the mess in the kitchen, the ingredients scattered on the counters, the bowls piled up in the sink. He can’t stop smiling.

“Hey, Mark?” 

“What’s up?” Mark asks, watching him try and fail to shape the pancake into a vaguely circular shape.

“I was thinking about what you said the other day and I think you’re right. I– uh, I booked a flight to Maine in a couple weeks. To go see my family, y’know?”

“I’m glad,” Mark says. “I mean, obviously not glad you’re leaving, but glad you’re gonna see them. It’s been a while, huh?”

“Too long.” Ethan turns in his arms and presses his lips to Mark’s, chaste and brief.

They haven’t really talked about what they are, what they’re doing. Mark doesn’t want to pressure Ethan, and in all honesty he’s a little scared of talking about it himself. He just wants things to stay as they are, just for a little while longer. 

***

“Are you sure?” Mark whispers. 

They’re in Mark’s bed again, together as always. Ethan is underneath him and he’s flushed and sweaty and so, so beautiful.

“Yeah,” he says, eyes wide. “I’m sure.”

***

Mark drives Ethan to the airport a week later. He’s only going to be in Maine for a week but Mark is going to miss him. After inhabiting the same space as Ethan for over a month, he has become a fixture in Mark’s life.

Mark had wanted to be a home for Ethan, and in doing so he made one for himself as well. 

“Okay,” Mark says, handing Ethan his cabin bag. “You packed everything you need, right? You got your meds? Your passport?”

“Yes!” Ethan laughs, and it’s a beautiful sound. “Oh my god, Mark, _relax._ I’ve got everything I need. Promise.” He leans forward in the way that Mark has come to learn means he’s about to kiss him. At the last moment he pauses and looks around surreptitiously. Mark almost forgot that people could see them like this - he’s so used to it just being him and Ethan, able to touch each other whenever they want. 

“I’ll be okay,” Ethan adds, voice soft. He’s smiling. He reaches out and takes Mark’s hand. “I’m excited. You’ll send me–”

“Daily pictures of Spencer,” Mark finishes his sentence. “Yes, I know. I won’t forget.” He brings Ethan’s hand to his face and kisses his knuckles. 

Ethan exhales slowly. “I’ll miss you,” he says, and leans in for a hug.

Mark squeezes him tight. He’ll miss Ethan too, miss him like crazy, but at the end of the day it’ll be okay. 

He knows Ethan is coming back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to follow me on tumblr @tiigixox :)

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! <3


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